I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
