Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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