i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
