Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
