I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
time to smoke my breakfast
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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