Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
