Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
