I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
