remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
