omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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