I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
