eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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