I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
