Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i believe in u and ur pee
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
