Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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