I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
