My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
