shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
