Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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