you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
