if you like me you must not know who I am
I cockslap morals
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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