A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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