if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
