She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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