She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
