Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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