I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
