...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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