GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
