I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
