so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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