Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
