what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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