dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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