What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
