She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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