I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
