my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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