The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
