I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize