Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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