Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
