i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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