the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
