i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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