Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
