I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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