he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
