the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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