Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
