I can text with my tongue
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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