Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
whose ass print is on the piano?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
