can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
