My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
