my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
