i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
