Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
