You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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