Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
