Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize