Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
